


The Blood on My Hands Scares Me to Death

by gayspacecowboy



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Force Choking, Gen, Kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 22:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6258808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayspacecowboy/pseuds/gayspacecowboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Before, it had been easy to think himself above the reach of moral limitations. It had been so plain to see: they were the enemy and they had to be eliminated. What was a few lives for the sake of order? It had made sense. It was simple. But that was before…"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blood on My Hands Scares Me to Death

**Author's Note:**

> I started this wanting to write something fun and cute but instead i just made myself sad :) Now you can be sad too!  
> Warning: There is very brief mention of death/violence. I decided not to tag it because it's not graphic, but it is mentioned. 
> 
> The title is from lyrics to I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young. Definitely go listen to it if you have a chance.

Before, it had been easy to think himself above the reach of moral limitations. It had been so plain to see: they were the enemy and they had to be eliminated. What was a few lives for the sake of order? It had made sense. It was simple. But that was before…

Before Ben – No, Kylo Ren – sat with his hands in the dampening earth, the rain beating down on him. Before he looked at their bodies, only children really. No. They were future Jedi. They had to be dealt with if the glory of the First Order was to come to fruition. Sometimes he could still hear them screaming…

“You are troubled, Kylo Ren,” Supreme Leader Snoke’s voice rumbled vehemently through the room, piercing Kylo’s thoughts. Snoke wasn’t there. Not really. His image simply a holoprojection into empty space. That didn’t stop his voice from hitting Kylo with so fiercely.

“No, Supreme Leader, I assure you-“

“Do not lie to me, boy!” Kylo flinched. “You are thinking of the children at the Jedi temple, are you not?” Snoke leaned forward, his eyes tearing into Kylo even through the mask.

“I – yes,”

“You would do well to remember that those children would now be Jedi Knights. Their deaths cemented countless victories for the First Order. You did the Order a great service when you slayed them. Do not forget this.”

“Yes, Supreme leader,” Kylo replied, his head bowed. Snoke allowed Kylo to stew in silence for a brief moment before the chamber’s door opened and a man stepped briskly through.

“General Hux, so nice of you to join us,” Kylo quipped, unable to help himself. His smirk was hidden behind his mask, but it was obvious to all in the room. Hux offered him only a glare before turning his attention to Snoke.

“I apologize for my tardiness, but _someone_ ,” Hux threw another sideways glare in Kylo’s direction “destroyed yet another control panel and I was attending to the-”

“Enough,” Snoke said sharply. “I have heard enough of your childish rivalries. There are more pressing matters to attend to.” Snoke leaned further back in his chair, the tension in the air suddenly growing thick. “The remnants of the resistance are hiding on a small moon within the outer rim. I will be sending you the coordinates.”

Bringing his hands together, Snoke stared at the two men, who fidgeted under his intense gaze. Kylo began to sweat under his mask. “With your aid, the last of the rebel forces should quickly be eliminated and The First Order will have ultimate control of the galaxy. I expect both of you to be victorious in this.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader Snoke,” the two men said in unison.

“Do not fail me,” rumbled Snoke. With a dismissive gesture of the hand, Snoke’s holoprojection quickly faded out.  Hux turned to leave as well, but stopped short.

“Kylo Ren, next time you feel the need to take your aggressions out on my machinery, here’s a piece of advice: Don’t” The general, with a smug look on his face, headed across the suspended bridge toward the door.

With one swift motion, Kylo put a force hold around Hux’s neck. He turned the general to face him. “I could kill you, you know” Kylo said, his voice sounding even harsher through his mask. “I could kill you and walk away without a second thought. I could kill you and not feel a damn thing,”

Even with the force against his neck and his face getting redder by the second, Hux still managed to give an arrogant reply. “Then why don’t you do it?” he sneered. Kylo tightened his grip, ready to kill this man. His anger seemed to bubble up from inside him, ready to burst out. He wanted to kill. He had killed before, people much more innocent. He could do it so easily, with no repercussions other than a scolding remark from Snoke. He could, he could except…

He couldn’t.

He released his grip and Hux fell to his knees, gasping for breath. “It’s refreshing to see you act with some semblance of self-control,” Hux offered between breaths as he stood, adjusted his collar. His face was still red and his breath coming in too quickly, yet he still managed to look like the more put together of the two. Kylo felt a pang of jealousy. “Good night, Ren,” Hux tossed back as he exited the room as calm and collected as ever. It was infuriating.

The door shut with a hallow sound. Kylo stood alone in the otherwise empty room, his breath echoing off the walls. It seemed harsher than usual, almost suffocation, like he was the one being choked.

He ripped the mask off his face, his chest heaving and the air moved through him, in and out. This would be his true test: to put a final end to the resistance. Perhaps then he could finally forget the faces of the screaming children. Maybe then he’d learn to stop feeling. He stared at his mask, the true face of Kylo Ren. He was not wearing it at the Jedi temple.

How young and weak he was then, barely out of childhood himself, unaware of his full potential. Snoke had shaped him into the powerful weapon he was today. When he whispered into young Ben’s mind that the Jedi must die, that their deaths would be symbolic of Ben’s death and the beginning of his life as Kylo Ren, he didn’t hesitate. He slayed them all and didn’t feel a thing. And yet…

“You feel regret,” Snoke had said when he found him sitting in the rain and the mud, when he was caught halfway between Ben and something else.

“They were so young,” he replied, his eyes fixated on the dirt. He had never seen Snoke other than in his own mind. He was scared to look up.

“They would not be young forever,” Snoke’s hand came to rest on his shoulder. “Get up,”

Kylo stood, still refusing to meet the Supreme Leader’s eye. “These emotions will do you no good,” Snoke continued, “Fear. Regret. They hold you back from your true potential. Trust your anger. Trust your rage. There you will find strength,”

He could feel it: the rage. It pulsed through him, boiling hot. He looked into Snoke’s eyes, finally. They were cold and dark, but they were steady. This. This is what he wanted.

With a broken voice, he asked “What do I do now?”

“I will show you the power of the dark side. Come, Kylo Ren, we have much work to do,” Snoke turned to leave. Kylo Ren followed…

Kylo shook his head and slid his helmet back over his head. There was no time for these memories. No time for emotion. He turned and exited the room, determined and hurried.

After all, he had work to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated!  
> ( you can also come talk to me about at gayspacecowboy.tumblr.com if you want)


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